THE C.R.A.P., 2004


from the maul to matrimony — by andrew sullivan — just moments after rosie o’donnell strode down the aisle, a less acknowledged yet equally presigious lesbian couple took their turn at the altar. sneaking up to take their vows, superstar lawyer marjorie knoller and sfpd lesbionic beat cop jane warner waved to family and friends, including their three presa canario dogs, with blood dripping from their muzzles after a fresh kill in UN plaza. “we wanted to thank gavin for legalizing same-sex marriage by getting rid of a few property-less urban peasant scumbags,” said warner with a sultry and assured smirk, waving a cartier diamond grill.  the couple featured mink-trimmed chanel camo power suits with bling-bling written all over. in order to insure their safety from marauding immigrants, paupers, and lesbian terrorist militant-separatist welfare moms, the couple sported platinum diamond-studded israeli military slug-proofs, custom-made bloodstained matching bridal hoodies, and steel-toed bridal military boots. their ringbearer, district supervisor bevan dufty, presented yves saint laurent brass knuckles dripping with 187 karat south african diamonds.  longtime lesbian activists phyllis lyon and dell martin were in attendance. “we are astonished and honored to be sharing the state-sanctioned sappho matrimonial pantheon with our fellow goddesses jane and margie for the first time in herstory. we’ve been dreaming of this day since the daughters of bilitis. but we want everyone to remember that WE were number one. gavin likes us best.”  knoller and warner met at a dog fight and hunting rifle expo emceed by margaret cho at davies symphony hall.